I am a shitty husband. I have been a shitty husband for almost 5 years. I was a shitty father for 3 years. I say these things because they are true, and I figure if I openly admit to them, I can move forward to getting my ass in line, instead of continuing to be the person I am right now.

When Angie and i first got married, we gained custody of zach.  Shortly thereafter, she started staying home with him. I took advantage of that. I ignored her needs, but expected her to suck up all the new problems she faced with a child in the hose that wasn't truely her responsibility. he was my responsibility, and i shirked it off on her. I was constantly a dick, not listening to her, not acknowledging her needs or even at times, caring what she thought. It is amazing she didn't leave immedaiately. She had every right and reason to.

things started getting a little better, and we were trying to conceive.  After one especially hard false positive, my enthusiasm fell trhough the floor, and by the time Caleigh was conceived, I was not very supportive.  I wanted my daughter, but I wasn't the joyous father every wife needs. I was mildly supportive at best throughout the pregnancy, and then after her birth, I might as well never have been home.

About halfway through her first year, we began going to counceling, because if we didn't, there was absolutely no doubt she would have left me. By going to counceling, she was giving me the benefit of the doubt. Counceling seemed to make good progress, as I learned how to deal with alot of things better, and she learned how to deal with me better (I should say, she began learning how to say no, and be  the strong woman she is today) Then i was deployed. Halfway through a 6 month rotation in the balkans, I came home on emergency leave because we were having serious problems. Again, they stemmed from me. We went to 2 more counceling sessions, and we spent alot of time doing nothing but talking face to face. We (I) learned the only way to speak with someone is to say only what you really mean, and listen to what they have to say. If you are not 100% sure what they mean, tell them how what they said made you feel, and ask if that was right. After the deployment, Angie and the kids moved to meet with me overseas. Our first year in Germany started out rocky, and has the average marraige bumps and hurdles, but they had been overcome. by the time I was preparing to come to this deployment, everythng was nearly right as rain. I had become the father I had always wanted for my kids, I was the husband my wife so dearly deserved. Somewhere between my last week home and now I have turned back into a dick. She has done nothing to provoke it.  maybe i'm afraid of being alone, but at this rate, that's all I'll be. I know out of the 5 years we have been married, I have onyl given Angie maybe a year and a half of happy marriage. If she left, i would be heartbroken, but I know I never deserved her in the first place, and I sure as hell don't deserve her now.  I am talking with my chaplain to straighten myself out. the only thing I can see is I am childish and self centered. I am afraid of rejection. If I don't quit, I am certain very soon there will be no future for Angie and me.

I love her so very much. Now I have said all this, I want everyone to know I am working toward being the right man. I have said mean, hurtful things in the past, and even recently. Right now, I am restricted to talking via e-mail, so I can think before I speak, and I don't risk something assanine flying out of my mouth. It's pretty sad a grown man is this fucked up, isn't it? No self pity, just a drive to be right and stay there.

 

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